The End of Year Vent.

I'm slowly getting my bearings on this thing called life. It's funny, college teaches you to be confident, to be a sponge of knowledge, to be able to conquer all because you went to a fantastic school; BUT, in reality, this whole life thing is way more difficult than it actually seems.  You know the disclaimer on the rear view mirrors on a car, "Objects may appear closer than they seem," well, it's the same for life. You really don't know when it's going to hit you and it'll hit you hard and it may seem closer than it is, but it'll bite you before you know it. It's like a speeding train. With no brakes and way too much grease on its wheels. Wham. Bam. Boom.


I find myself in a mid-life crisis. I've been in this crisis for some time now...always restless, always trying to figure out my next steps, but still somehow lacking the motivation to kick myself in gear and just got for it, whatever "it" is.


And then time. Time just flies by like it's on some sort of raging case of adrenaline mixed with confusion. I still don't know why it finds the need to whoosh past me and not let me take a breath.  Sometimes, I feel like so many opportunities are passing me by, but I just don't know what to do with them because for one, I'm not inspired, two, I find myself in a rut, and three, I feel like I'm not in control. There isn't a hold on my destiny that I can realize. Maybe it'll hit me later. MAYbe, I'll finally come to terms with the hidden part of myself that I can control more than I know. It's challenging because in this day and age, you feel like you're set up to know everything that can possibly cross your path whether it's a career, relationship or some other mind boggling situation, but in actuality, you're just blindly working your way through life, making mistakes, trying to uncover realizations about yourself and everything you encounter is so foreign and bizarre that you know in your bones you weren't ready for this.


So this is where I find myself. No I'm not depressed. Well, maybe to a minute extent I am, but really, I just want to figure it out. How does one find happiness? When do things finally fall into place and you finally come to terms with the fact that you are content, satisfied and now have the ambition to explore other parts of yourself by taking care of the immediate survival needs?  It's so frustrating growing up and being told you're on the right track, doing the right thing, making the right choices, and then when all is said and done, you're in this life and you feel like you've learned absolutely nothing. Nothing makes sense, nothing goes how you want, you thought you made the right career choice, but now you've wasted four and a half years realizing you hate client services and there's nothing you can do to get that time back. And don't even get me started on relationships. I just want answers. How do I ultimately control my destiny? How do I find happiness? And HOW do I get myself out of this rut? 


There. I vented. Now I leave you with a little falling without knowing.