I'm sitting in an airport because, well, I got here slightly early with 3+ hours to kill. First off, had a beer, had a BBQ burger, browsed the iPad, chatted with some older ladies fascinated by the iPad and now I'm at the gate, patiently waiting to get on a 5+ hour flight to take me home to my kitten. Clearly, I have some time to reflect on the weekend I just had. What was the weekend? Well, to keep it simple, its purpose was to explore a potential relationship with someone, a.k.a. complicated Latvian man-friend. It's a pretty big deal to travel across the country to just "explore" a relationship. And now that I have a moment to reflect and realize I just flew across the country for a maybe, I'm brought to the conclusion that we as emotional human beings will go to quite any extent to find happiness, even though there may have been plenty of signs pointing to no. You would seriously think that getting to the airport and learning that no matter what, the flight you were booked on won't let you on or buy the ticket because you don't have the credit card of the purchaser on you (and you just waited 2 hours to hear that with less than an hour to catch another flight), that it's probably not meant to be, but the blinding thing about happiness and the pursuit of happiness, is that you'll do just about anything to see if it exists in what you want it to exist in. So $700 later, you got on a flight and still made the journey, even though fate told you again, it's probably not the best idea. We just don't want to give up on the idea that happiness exists in the purest form of love, trust, respect and emotional connectivity. Who would want to give up on the idea that those qualities can exist in your human counterpart? Money stops being an issue if you truly believe happiness is on the other side.
Now looking back, I find it interesting that I was so caught up with the idea of the "someone." I had concocted all of these thoughts in my head and created the perfect world of potential. Sure, I still had doubts, but all my doubts were resolved with a positive spin (in my head at least) by a conversation and hearing everything I wanted and needed to hear. I told myself to believe and give it a chance. There's nothing wrong with that right? You won't know unless you try is how the saying usually goes. Unfortunately there's usually no way to make whatever you have going on in your head come true. It really comes down to the basics and it probably helps to get to know someone a bit more before you decide it's a good idea to fly across the country to explore something even more.
Now, I won't put blame on the someone, because that would be too easy. My idea of the perfect man / counterpart is clearly mine and I can't really fault someone for not living up to my expectations. There is, of course, disappointment, but surely it's because going through the motions of building an idea in your head, is what will get you in the end. Can you blame someone for not asking you the questions you want to be asked? Can you blame them for not answering the questions you ask in the way you want to hear them? Probably not. Though I do think it's entirely possible that all questions, though answered, may never result in the full answer, even though they are seemingly responded to. Don't we all try to keep some things secret? It's safe to say it can be uncomfortable answering questions about sensitive topics, but if you don't open up, aren't you setting yourself up for forever being guarded and emotionally unavailable? I know myself and my avid inability to openly serve up personal information and feelings (though I definitely like to think I can if the moment is right) and it's probably not the best thing to try to pursue a relationship with someone with the same inabilities and who isn't great at asking personal questions. So I guess I should be relieved right?
While I do think I am relieved and I do know we're not compatible in a relationship, it's still a little bit of a let down because I wanted to believe there would be a happy ending, at least for the time being. Even though it's not a tragic ending, it's just sort of a flatline...nothing particularly eventful or heart wrenching, but just sort of an end to a waffly beginning.
So what did I learn? I learned I really need to weigh out everything first and fully understand what decision I'm about to make and what my own expectations are. Live and learn right? You won't know unless you try. So perhaps that was my miniature rapture. The world didn't end, my world didn't end, but nothing really began either.
Good time for a little Temper Trap and one of my favorite songs from them:
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